Top Ways to Look Terrible, Part I

Here goes, the first “top” list for this site.

Here something that I’ve compiled after much thought and deliberation. My initial inspiration for this article was a month ago, after reading this article on Total Beauty. Lovely pic of Juliette Lewis, but maybe not so much for the Fergie? I still stand by what I said in response:

It’s articles like these that really pigeonhole women. What we’re “supposed” to look like. Do whatever you like and what works for you. I get dozens of compliments from everyone for my peacock colored hair. As long as you’re not hurting anyone. Relax, it’s just hair. We should concern ourselves with more pressing matters, no?

Onto the list!

1. Go outside without using SPF. This one is a surefire way to chalk up wrinkles, hyperpigmentation and possibly even skin cancer. The documentation of what happens is well-known and apparent, so yeah. You do need your vitamin D, for skin, at least, according to Refinery 29 and Dr. Dennis Gross. Even Harvard is mixed as to how much vitamin D we should be taking in our bodies.

2. Go and tan, either in a bed or with the real bright orb in the sky. I’ve got a couple of things to say on fake and bake self-tanners. If you do insist on looking like a variation of an orange leather shoe, that’s your business. My main issue with it is that it still promotes the tanned look. It’s funny how people give the “goth pallor” a lot of sh*t, but you’ll rarely find members of their oft-maligned subculture dying of something like skin cancer. That’s a fact because I said so.

For the record, I do like Lindsay Lohan, but I still can’t believe that she’s only 25. This is what just a few short years of tanning and hard living can do for you (NSFW!).

3. Have a monochromatic hair color, unless you’re Carmen Dell’Orifice or are rich, have a hair stylist trailing you with bleach and are < 22 years old. I had a discussion with my hairstylist about this and we both agreed that it can be very aging. If you’re super gray (hey, I’ve got a decent amount of strands on the right side, just above my forehead), the “the dry shampoo powder dusty root” look is strange. This happens when it grows out, which can seem like 2 days from your most recent color job. The darker the line of demarcation, the more drastic the effect. Try a lighter base color with some lowlights or highlights to break up the monotony.

Gray Roots

4. Wear ill-fitting and unkempt clothing and accessories. Perhaps you’ve gained or lost weight and it’s been awhile since you’ve reassessed your wardrobe. We get it, it can happen to anyone. That pile that you made aeons ago of clothing that needed to be mended and you forgot about it and grabbed the first thing on top of it to wear? Check. What’s wrong with it? Oh, it’s frayed under the arms and the zipper is busted. Busted! I’ve found that it’s better to have a few hearty well-made, good fitting clothing basics that are in decent shape. If you dramatically fluctuate in weight as I have in short intervals, pare down your skinny and heavy wardrobes and repeat after me: If it isn’t exquisite, GET RID OF IT!

Donate it. You can always find more flattering items at local consignment shops, resale clothing shops, or eBay and beyond!

These girls have lovely figures, yet somehow manage to look terrible, unless they’re on their way to the strip club. Even then, suspect.

5. Wear a scowl on your face, in your posture and in your demeanor. I’m not throwing stones with this one because I can hardly be accused of being a Pollyanna. Lately, I’ve really taken to heart the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”. This kid’s cute, but I’m using him at this moment to illustrate a point. Terrible. It’s a fine line between keeping your guard up and participating in life and in new experiences that you might miss if you’re a perpetual bummer. The facial feedback response theory is very real.

As there are more than 5 ways to look terrible, this article will be concluded in due time. Just you wait. Don’t you think that five ways is enough to digest at the moment? If you have any commentary or suggestions, you know what to do.

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